Questions & Answers

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Shocked and Confused

Dear Doctor,

I've been with the same woman for more than 5 years and in that time, she has broken up with me several times. She always comes back and I always take her back. The last 2 times we broke up, she went back to her ex boyfriend and the time before that, she said she wanted to spend more time with her friends and that I was a big distraction.
Now she's back and when we first got back together, she said she was back for good. Apparently that was not true because last night she told me she was moving to a different state to take a new job and she didn't ask me to come with her. All she said was that she would be gone by the end of the month.
Should I ask her if she wants me to transfer my job and come with her or should I just wait for her to ask me? 
Shocked and Confused
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Dear Shocked and Confused,
This woman has had you on a string for more than 5 years.  She has left repeatedly and only returns when she wants to, because she knows you will always take her back. Because of this, you have put your life on hold, waiting for someone who is definitely playing you.
​It is obvious that this woman has no desire to take you with her, otherwise she would have asked you when she first made the decision to leave. She has no respect for you because you have not set any boundaries, thus, allowing her to treat you any way she chooses.
My advice is that you take your life back. As difficult as it may be, you cannot accept any more phone calls, texts or communication from her. Block her from your phone, all social media sites and from your life altogether. Do it today so that you can take control, heal from this disaster and get in position to move forward with your pride and dignity intact.

Open Marriage

Dear Dr. Elaine
I’ve been married for 6 years. Every now and then, my wife has “anxiety attacks” and is not herself for days. After begging her to get some help, she finally agreed to see a therapist with me. During our last session, she admitted that she had gone outside of the relationship and been with 3 other men that she randomly picked up at 3 different times when she was traveling for work. I was devastated but she promised to never do it again so I forgave her. A few weeks ago, she had another “anxiety attack” and I decided to pull phone records. I found one number that she had called several times so I called the number. A man with a raspy, sleepy sounding voice answered the phone. When I asked him about talking to my wife, he denied it and told me I had the wrong number. Obviously he was lying but instead of confronting my wife, I looked up the number, found the name of the dude and looked him up on social media. Through my research, I found out that this guy was also married so I went to his wife’s page, got her number and called her. I told her who I was and what I had discovered. We decided to make a plan to catch the two of them together but the more we talked, the more we wanted to talk and we decided to meet. There was an instant connection and we've been meeting regularly. It started out as just conversation. That eventually led to sex and now we are having a full blown affair. I am happier than I have been in a long time and I want to ask my wife and my lover if they want all of us to get together and live as one, like all 4 of us spending time together and actually being "friends," or should I just suggest to my wife that we have an open marriage because I am not willing to give up my Lady and apparently, my Wife does not want to give up her man. My question to you is, which is better? Open marriage or 2 couples coming together with a mutual understanding? ​

The Decision Maker

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Dear Decision Maker,
Open Marriage AND Swinging are fine if both couples agree. The problem is that these so-called solutions are short lived and never tend to work out in the long run. I've counseled MANY couples who swing and MANY couples with open marriages. These lifestyles are not uncommon. What I can say is that most of these arrangements either lead the original couples back together, rebuilding their relationship OR the couples eventually go their separate ways. As for you, Lover Boy, the first thing you have to do is get out of denial. Your wife has some serious issues that cannot be resolved by therapy alone. She needs a full team that would include a Therapist, a Psychiatrist AND a Physician. She needs to be evaluated to see what these "anxiety attacks" are really all about. Is it a dissociative disorder? Does she become someone else when she sleeps with random men? This behavior is not normal. I say, sit yourself down and get it together. Get rid of this side piece and help your wife. She needs you now more than she's ever needed you before. Oh, and get yourself into therapy also!

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